While playing this game, I said the following things out loud and to myself. Shut up.
“So the screen scrolls up and doesn’t scroll back down, so if I miss a jump, and I know there’s a ground 3 pixels below the bottom of the screen, I die anyway? Horse shit.”
“That ‘harsh training’ is pretty harsh. I can’t survive it with the shitty life meter and no powerups available to me at the moment.”
“This random store owner didn’t say ‘BUY SOMETHING WILL YA’, but it’s pretty close. ”
“390 hearts? Why would I have this many hearts on the first level? It’s almost like you don’t want me to buy this item of unknown power.”
“Oh, 500 hearts for a barrel. I barely had the 210 for the life refill item. Horse shit.”
“Missed another jump, died again. Fuck.”
“So ducking on the floating platforms makes you fall through it and die if there’s nothing to catch you. Good to know. Now to repeat the last 10 minutes of work.”
“So THAT’S what those hammers (that you can collect before getting to the dungeon) do. Now what do those things flying out of the statues do?”
(When Joe dies fighting the dungeon boss): “I have to do the whole dungeon over again? Fuckin’ a.”
“Finally, a side-scrolling level! And a life powerup! Now I won’t die if I stub my toe.”
“Alright, finally getting some good weapons and health… wait… this is the end boss?”
“So, I beat the end boss, get to start over with all my weapons, powerups, full life meter and hearts, and none of the enemies are harder? It’s Zelda backwards!”
