Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Irony Is Delicious…

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

Sprint Customer Service Rep: Hello, thank you for calling.  My name is <name>, how may I help you.
Joe: I want to know when the contract for this line expires.
Sprint CSR: I will find that out for you, one moment please…
Sprint CSR: The expiration date for the contract for this line is January 2007.
Joe: And would it be able to port this number over to a different service?
Sprint CSR: … yes.  You’d go to the new service and port it over there.  May I ask why you would port the number over?
Joe:

*Signal faded.   Call lost.*

In Which I Don’t Remember My Joke

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

Ok, so while I was bored at lunch, I was listening to my XM radio and something came on (don’t remember what it was) and it reminded me of something else (also don’t remember) and then I thought of a one-liner that made myself laugh, but I don’t remember what it was.  All I remember was that the punchline was “gag reflex.”

This is going to bug the crap out of me until I can remember what the lead-up to it was.

Opie and Anthony’s Traveling Virus Comedy Tour 2007: Jones Beach

Sunday, June 17th, 2007

The show was fantastic, as expected.

Pre-show was drinking in the parking lot and T-shirt shopping in the “O&A village”. The village had a “petting zoo” area which had some guests of the show present. I had my picture taken with Stalker Patti and Pat from Moonachie. I currently don’t have said pictures, but they are on their way.

The first thing my friends and I saw when we walked into the stadium was the two dancing girls on stage. They weren’t naked mind you, but they were highly attractive young women regardless. If I remembered their names or where they worked, I would highly recommend patronizing their place of business.

The first comic that came out was Rich Vos. He was the emcee for the first half of the show, and he started off with some prepared material and some crowd roasting. The first comic he introduced was Bob Kelly who did self-referential fat jokes.

The next comic was Frank Caliendo. His shtick is that he’s an impressionist, and his John Madden is usually very spot on. However, he decided to do George W. Bush for about 10 minutes, which was 5 minutes longer than he should have, since the crowd started to turn on him (for being repetitive and stale). By the time he got the hint and got off the politics track, it was too late and he had lost the crowd. It’s too bad, because I know Caliendo is good but he didn’t bring it that night.

Next up was Patrice O’Neal. He’s a fat black man, loud and not afraid of nothin’. He was very good as expected.

Unfortunately, I can’t remember the exact order from here on out, so I’ll just list the rest of the comics in an arbitrary order.

Jim Norton was lovely. Truth be told, as much as I like his stand-up, I like his on-air banter a lot better. I’m not slighting his stand-up at all, but I prefer Jimmy on the show.

Louis C.K. was good as well. I was kinda scared because he was losing the crowd at some points, but he was able to bring it back and get some laughs. He also had the challenge of having to compete with someone in the back of the arena getting kicked out. As you know, when someone gets kicked out, everyone has to turn and applaud and ignore what’s going on on-stage.

I knew Bob Saget’s set was going to be filthy and awesome, even though I’ve never seen it before. I was not disappointed. He has a very quick delivery which was unique for this show.

Otto & George: Before this, I’ve never seen a puppet stand-up act live, and based on what I’ve seen from last week’s Last Comic Standing, I was assuming that all puppet acts are stupid. It turns out that not all puppet acts are stupid, as Otto and George blew me out of the water. A fine performance.

The final act was Stephen Lynch. He did Vanilla Ice Cream, Craig, Big Fat Friend and Special Ed. Stephen Lynch is always a solid choice for some laughs.

All in all, good times were had by all. Except for Frank Caliendo who did not have a good time getting booed off stage.

I judge you when you use poor grammar.

Friday, May 4th, 2007

Taken from the facebook group

Either you're a dummy or your tattoo artist is. (See? I know the difference between 'you're' and 'your'!)

Direct link: click

The Landlord

Monday, April 23rd, 2007

Links: YouTube, FunnyOrDie.

Will Farrell is fantastic, as is the actress that plays the landlord. Her mastery of the craft is apparent, and I think we all can learn from her.

Stand-up: SURPRISE!

Friday, March 2nd, 2007

Surprise 1: Despite saying I wasn’t going to, I did this again.  I just got back from McGuire’s, having performed my 6 minute set in 8 minutes.  Like the first time, this was the “Long Island’s funniest person” contest, and just like the first time, I didn’t advance.  By design, I told less people than I did for the previous two.  Mom and dad didn’t know about this (hi dad… remember when I said I was meeting my friends at happy hour? Yeah, that was half-true) so the performance didn’t get video taped by them, which leads into…

Surprise 2: News 12 taped it instead.

Aannnnnnnnnnnd that’s lovely.  Nice to know 10 minutes before the night starts.  I specifically caricature two people I work with / for, and the footage may be shown on News 12 either next week or the week after.  Screwed? Yep.

2 of my friends showed up for support, which I fully appreciate.   They thought I was good, and some of the people in the club thought I was ok as well.  I did get some pointers from Sparky (one of the 3 comics to advance to the finals) which I also fully appreciate.  One cameraman said I needed to find my audience.  In retrospect, I should’ve told him “… they’re right in front of me,” but I didn’t think of it.

So now it’s 11:30pm, and since I didn’t have dinner, I’m having Wendy’s now.  Somehow, I don’t think I thought my cunning plan all the way through…

YouTube – Introducing the book

Monday, February 12th, 2007

click

This is the 15th century version of what I do for money.

Video – College Saga

Saturday, January 6th, 2007

YouTube link

This is fantastic if you’re familiar with role playing games like Final Fantasy. See all 4 episodes for great justice.

Auto Sales Up 1248% on News of President Ford’s Death

Wednesday, December 27th, 2006

Dateline — Detroit, MI.

Ford Motor Company (NYSE: F) has reported a surge in the sales of all of their models of their products since the death of Gerald Ford, the 38th President of the United States, on Tuesday, December 26th 2006.

“We knew this day would come,” said Ford President and CEO Alan Mulally. “We’ve been tracking the former president’s health for some time, knowing that when he finally passes on, we would benefit from having our company name being mentioned all over the world. I knew business would pick up, but I never imagined a sales spike like this!”

A dealer showroom in Smithtown, NY was completely empty when reached for an interview. “Yeah, we completely sold out of all the cars on the lot and in the showroom” says manager Al Plateman. “Until we get a new shipment in, me and the sales staff have to sit around and talk about the weather. We’d do something more interesting like play cards or watch TV, but everything we had in the showroom was sold, as there was big demand for anything with the Ford logo on it. About 2 hours ago, I was negotiating with a young couple who wanted to purchase our potted plants for $249 per month with $1000 down and 5.9% APR. It was crazy.”

This phenomenon of increased sales of recently deceased celebrities is well documented; The death of singer/songwriter James Brown, who died on December 25, triggered a rush of of CD and album purchases from amazon.com. The Daily News reports that Brown’s albums seized the top three positions of the Movers and Shakers list (which measures sales within the hour) in their peak hours, along with snaring two more spots in the top 10.

source: Joe’s twisted mind

——————-

If I wrote for theonion, I’d write something like this. Maybe I’d make it a little longer, but you get the idea.

Stand-up: The sequel!

Friday, November 10th, 2006

In case you missed the first one, I’ll be doing a second open-mic at the same place I did the first set. The odd thing was, I was invited back, so that means one of two things; either I made a good impression the first time, or they’re hard-up to find ameteur comics to fill time. In either case, I’m doing this again!

Where: McGuire’s Restaurant & Comedy Club
When: Thursday, 11/16/2006, 8:00 pm (1627 Smithtown Ave, Bohemia NY – 631-467-5413)

P.S. This blog entry gets exported to facebook by design, and my privacy settings are set to allow all note posting to show up on the facebook news feed. This is also by design. So, if you’re reading this on facebook, it’s because I’m letting you. If you’re reading this on my blog, it means you cared enough to know what’s going on with me and my life, and for that, I’m appreciative. All that said, should you find out about this, and you want to know more info or how I did, do not hesitate to contact me.

I was very much saddened to find out some high school friends of mine did not bother to contact me when I posted the video of my first performace. They decided to acted shocked and surprised amongst themselves even though my contact info is out there. And, while I can’t be too sure, I’m betting they weren’t laughing at my material, but at me personally. I know they will eventually come to read this, so to those people that said somethng about me and thought they were doing it behind my back (here’s a thought: if you’re going to talk about someone, don’t do it on MySpace, where that person can see everything you post), all I will say is that I initially took the high road when confronting you (i.e. I didn’t confront you at all, opting instead to leave a brief “Thanks for noticing the act” message on their MySpace pages.) However, after ample amount of time has gone by and still no word from any of the guilty party, I’m officially laying it out there: you’re all fucking sad, gossipping little twats.

I never thought I’d say that about people I once considered friends, but so it is. They’re welcome to contact me and correct any misunderstanings, but I doubt they will, because I don’t think there is a misunderstanding, and they probably don’t care what I think about them, which I’m ok with as well.