Most ridiculous game… ever.

“So the screen scrolls up and doesn’t scroll back down, so if I miss a jump, and I know there’s a ground 3 pixels below the bottom of the screen, I die anyway? Horse shit.”

“That ‘harsh training’ is pretty harsh.  I can’t survive it with the shitty life meter and no powerups available to me at the moment.”

“This random store owner didn’t say ‘BUY SOMETHING WILL YA’, but it’s pretty close. ”

“390 hearts? Why would I have this many hearts on the first level? It’s almost like you don’t want me to buy this item of unknown power.”

“Oh, 500 hearts for a barrel. I barely had the 210 for the life refill item. Horse shit.”

“Missed another jump, died again. Fuck.”

“So ducking on the floating platforms makes you fall through it and die if there’s nothing to catch you. Good to know. Now to repeat the last 10 minutes of work.”

“So THAT’S what those hammers (that you can collect before getting to the dungeon) do. Now what do those things flying out of the statues do?”

(When Joe dies fighting the dungeon boss): “I have to do the whole dungeon over again? Fuckin’ a.”

“Finally, a side-scrolling level! And a life powerup! Now I won’t die if I stub my toe.”

“Alright, finally getting some good weapons and health… wait… this is the end boss?”

“So, I beat the end boss, get to start over with all my weapons, powerups, full life meter and hearts, and none of the enemies are harder? It’s Zelda backwards!”

Secondly, this game has Sonic the Hedgehog.

Thirdly, the 15-second TV commercial for this game features Europe’s The Final Countdown.

If those aren’t good enough reasons for me to get a Wii, I have no idea what is.

I need a Wii. Like, really, really soon.

Friday, August 19, 1994

The shenanigans started before we even got into Ft. Lauderdale. Continental (which we were forced to take via Blockbuster’s arrangements) only had direct flights from Newark. Mom and Dad decided to go an alternate route: THE DREADED TRANSFER. Actually, the transfer wasn’t too bad in itself, but it was just annoying to do. I personally wouldn’t have minded to go from Newark directly to Ft. Lauderdale, but whatever. Being 11 means deferring to your parents once in a while.

Mom and I arrive at Ft. Lauderdale sometime in the afternoon. We’re greeted at gate by a representative from Blockbuster (ahhh, the days before post-9/11 airport security.) After we get our bags, we get to the hotel (Pier 66) to check in. I honestly wish I could remember more details, but so it goes.

At 6:30 was the welcome reception / dinner. There, we met with other players and some video game experts. For those who’ve read GamePro magazine while Scary Larry was a writer, he was there and he introduced himself to me, but me being the shy dolt that I am, I’m too scared to say anything to him. (His name tag said “Lawrence” on it, which really hammered home that the Scary Larry pseudonym actually had a person behind it. Full Disclosure: Scary Larry was fatter than I imagine he would be.) During the dinner, they served lasagna, which was very good. Mom was surprised I ate it since, at that time, the only food I ate that had red sauce on it was pizza, but I wasn’t about to complain about the free food.

During the dinner, we met our team members. While each of us were individuals fighting against each other, we were grouped together so that it was easier for Blockbuster to manage the players. As I expected, I was well below the average age for our group (as well as the finals as a whole). Surprisingly, I was not the youngest. That honor belonged to one other kid who I believe was 9 at the time. I don’t remember any of my teammate’s names, sadly.

Before the dinner ended, a brief promotional video was shown to young consumers competitors. NBA Superstar Shaquille O’Neal pimped a game that would change the video game world completely. Betcha don’t know what game I’m referring to. According to my documents, Rudy Ruettiger (the guy whose story is what the movie Rudy is about) made a motivational speech, but I don’t remember it. I’m sure it was inspirational and motivating, but since it wasn’t Sean Astin addressing the crowd, I’m sure no one cared. (Well… I didn’t.)

To sleep we go…

Saturday, August 20, 1994

7:45am is breakfast. 7:45 is too early, but then again, I’d be starting middle school in September, so this is pretty much preparation for the inevitable. Competitors take shuttles out to the convention center to get to the opening ceremonies at 9:00.

This is the part where I paint the picture of the con space, but since I suck at communicating, I doubt this will come across well. When coming through the front doors, you first feel it’s very cold. Yay for air conditioning, but boo for Blockbuster for telling us to dress lightly when we’d be spending all day inside. Directly ahead is the main stage, where the tournament systems are set up. This is where all tournament games will be played. The main stage was set up with stadium-seating and was partitioned into two equal halves. The Sega Genesis players were on the left side, and the Super Nintendo players were on the right. The ceremonies started off with our two co-hosts: Jonathan Taylor Thomas of Home Improvement fame and Jenna von Oy of Blossom fame. They spoke a little bit (mostly about how much they suck at video games [I think]) and we were on our way.

The competition proceeded like this: A game is played by a team (7-8 people). After they’re done, another team plays the game, rinse and repeat until all teams have played that game, then they go onto the next game. With this format, a team will play a game about once an hour for however long the game needs to be played (usually about 5 minutes.)

Now, there were plenty of distractions in the convention center between game play. Lots of distraction. I particularly stayed to the left side of the center which featured the following beta versions of these games: Beavis and Butthead, Maximum Carnage and Super Return of the Jedi. You could tell they were betas because they were set to be unbeatable (in the Beavis and Butthead game, there’s a level where you have to outrun an senior citizen in a motorized wheelchair. In the version I played, the guy always goes faster than you can run, so the level couldn’t be cleared. The release version of the game has the guy go slower, so the only way you can lose is to hit too many obstacles which would slow you down enough to be caught.)

Something I didn’t do that I wish I did was get the autographs / pictures of the 2 celebrity hosts. I was too concerned with playing video games to care about once-in-a-lifetime celebrity appearances. I did run into Rudy though, but again, since he’s not Sean Astin, I didn’t care. I did, however, get an autograph from a very indifferent Glen Rice. He signed the back of my Nintendo Power magazine. Sadly, I don’t have that magazine anymore. (Kids, this is what happens when you let your mom clean your room for you.)

Important to note: a good amount of the Genesis players complained about the game conditions for Sonic 3. The specs required that everyone starts at the Hydrocity Zone, the 2nd level of the game. To expedite game play, Blockbuster had saved games with the Angel Island Zone already completed. Everyone at this stage in the tournament knew about the 50,000 points trick in the Special Stage, and everybody used it. However, a complication arose: if one player completed a Special Stage, i.e. got the emerald, then the game would save that info. When that player is done with the game, and the next guy comes up to play his game, he’s gonna go into the special stage expecting special stage #1 and get #2 instead (personal testimony: I played #3). This inconsistency would come into play later.

6:00 rolls around the hosts / Blockbuster reps address the players before the shuttles take them back to the hotel. They explain that the evening activities will include a free trip to Blockbuster Entertainment’s game room / mini-golf course. Mom and I participated, and I used up the $5 game card in about 10 minutes (arcades that took cards instead of coins… I never saw, nor did ever see again, something like that). We take the last shuttle back from the park to the hotel where we rest up for our final day in the tournament.

Sunday, August 21, 1994

First thing in the morning is we checked out of the hotel. I believe our bags were taken to the airport while we had breakfast and played video games.

Shuttle to the convention center at 9:30. I learn without surprise that I didn’t make top 14. Luckily, the 2 wildcard spots are still up for grabs. The info sheet said the wildcard game was supposed to be randomly selected. However, for Sega, because of the Sonic 3 inconsistency, they chose that to be the wildcard game. “Yus!”, I think to myself.

So I play the game, get to the special stage, and then, in a moment of pure nervousness and STUPID, I make a turn too soon and ruin the perfect attempt. So, no 50,000 points, and no hope to get into the finals. Eh.

The finals play out in single elimination fashion. When we get to the semi-final round (the FINAL FOUR (of video games)), we learn that being a video game master means adapting to new games on the spot. This means the finalists would play a head-to-head match in a game that hasn’t been released. Remember Friday night, when Shaq said we need to get ready? Well, here it is, the big payoff: Shaq-Fu. For those who don’t want to click the link, Wikipedia says it’s one of the worst games of all time. And here we are, getting the first look at it. Lucky us? The final match for both systems was NBA Jam. Exciting times for both systems (each game was projected onto big screens so everyone can watch.) I don’t remember specifics after this: the championship ceremony, the lunch back at the hotel, the flight back to Long Island, one big blur.

So there it is. My weekend of fun. Now, it’s time to rent The Wizard.

Next entry: The appendix: Scanned PDF’s of all the documents I have, censored so I don’t accidentally give out people’s phone numbers, addresses and stuff.

By complete happenstance, while searching for my stored-away college diploma and transcripts, I found 2 folders, contents completely intact, of information about the finals of the competition, which were held in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Seeing no other information out there on the subject, it is my self-appointed duty to present this info to the masses, right here, on averagejoe.cc! *cheap pop*

I’ll start off with what I know about the beginning of the tournament (unfortunately, I have no physical evidence to back up my claims of anything before the finals, so you’ll just have to trust me on this.) The tournament started at the local level. Competitors entered the tournament at their local Blockbuster Video store and chose to compete on one of two systems: Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo. My choice was the Genesis, so most info I can remember is about that format. For each system, each store would have players compete in 3 games on their system. Each game had its own scoring rubric which was based on the in-game score plus bonuses. Players would have to arrive at the store at specified times to play one of their games. The 3 game scores are combined to determine a store champion who would advance to regionals.

The games for the Genesis were NBA Jam, Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Virtua Racer. NBA Jam had players play against the computer for 2 quarters. To get the player’s tournament score, the player’s in-game score was multiplied by some amount (1000, I believe) and a bonus was given if the player outscored the computer (guessing 5000). I don’t exactly remember Sonic 3’s scoring rubric; it may have been in-game score with no additional adjustments. I don’t remember Virtua Racer’s scoring at all. The first round was NBA Jam, where I scored 32 points in my allotted time. I was in 8th place after round 1. Round 2 was Sonic 3, where I was the only person in my store who knew how to get a Perfect in the Special Stage (and for those that remember, Perfects get you 50,000 points). After the second round, I had a commanding lead that I didn’t relinquish. Joe is the store champion! (I still have the shirt to prove it.)

Before the next entry: Pictures of the shirt will be edited into this post.
Next entry: The Regional Tournament and the Finals!
The entry after that: PDF scans of all the paper documents I have (to give the whole story some credibility. Credibility is a nice thing to have, after all.)

Baseball goodness and NES goodness. Fantastic stuff coming from both a Mets fan and a fan of old-school NES. Length of video: 8:30.

My first impression is that it’s kinda like Earthworm Jim, except it sucks. More to follow, maybe.

The story: It’s in the wikipedia entry, but for those that want don’t want to read it, the long and short of it is that Thompson wrote an open letter to the gaming community challenging them to design and sell a video game which is about a father of a son killed by video games killing video game makers (read that sentence again to make sure you follow it correctly.) He added the stipulation that if someone did do this, he’d give $10,000 to the charity of Take Two chairman Paul Eibeler’s choice. Thompson didn’t expect someone to actually do it, but someone did. And all of a sudden, we have a fufilled challenge, but no money. The reason? Because the challenge was a “satire”. Thompson claims his challenge was a parody of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, which is an 18th centry satire which says that Irish families should eat their children.

Now, my take on this whole thing: I don’t know what this guy’s problem is. He made the challenge, which is fair enough. It’s an odd challenge to say the least, and it’s one that a normal person wouldn’t make. (I mean, c’mon… I’d challenge my friends to say embarrasing things to people and do ridiculous things for a laugh, but what Thompson proposed is on-its-face disturbing.) But if he wants to make a challenge to the video game makers community, it’s fine by me. But, he tried to make them look bad by offering the charity donation on top of this. I guess the intention was to make it look like video gamers don’t care about charity or people in need (which reminds me of the movie Head of State where Chris Rock’s character is the subject of a smear campaign ad in which is opponent points out that he went to an anti-cancer convention, whereas Rock’s character did not, which leads to the really obvious conclusion that Mays Gilliam is “For Cancer”.) What Thompson didn’t count on was a group of game modders actually taking him up on the challenge. Thompson quickly pointed out that “it was a satire” and proceeded to NOT donate any money. Penny Arcade cartoonist Mike Krahulik (whose alter ego is Gabe) then proceeded to show up Thompson by donating the promised $10,000 to The Entertainment Software Association Foundation on behalf of Jack Thompson. Thompson then responded by contacting the Seattle Police complaining that he’s being harrassed (the letter was so poorly constructed, it would’ve been better constructed by the idiots who troll the Rajah.com forums. As another aside: he got the URL of Penny Arcade wrong in the letter. Hasty much?)

I have no idea what’s goin on now. You’d best go to some other sites (such as PA) to get yourself up to date. The bottom line is that Penny Arcade is fucking awesome in all regards and you should go to their store and “buy their Goddamn stuff!” because they surely deserve our patronage.

I MUST HAVE IT.